Do you live in a world of rue and remorse? Probably not, if you're youngish and vigorous and still feel like you're on top of your game. Just be aware, that walking among you - maybe even in line behind you at Whole Foods, with impeccable products in the hand basket and a cloth bag to pack purchases in - are people like me. I may have a big bouquet of organic flowers and a clutch of organic shampoo and body wash, with no discernible, irritating odors, I may be wearing jeans and a Santa Cruz hoodie and flip flops that show my silver blue toenails. I won't be wearing makeup but my hair will be clean and brushed and I'll have my diamond stud earrings on. You probably wouldn't swing a wide path around me or avoid eye contact because you don't know how much I rue and regret, how paralyzing it can be.
This morning, I woke up remembering when Daughter-In-Law (DIL) quit her quite good job with the County, five or six years ago. She quit, allegedly, because she didn't want her boys to have to go to after school care. They rarely did, since she was working 3/4 time, but even if they had, all their friends did, so what was the big deal? Could it have been that her drug habit had advanced, even then, to the point that people were noticing?
For quite awhile I wondered about that. After she and my son split up, I assumed she had stopped working on the advice of an attorney, to boost the amount of support she would be paid and to make it more complicated for her to get back into the job market, so support would be extended. Now, I wonder and stare at walls. And I regret not - at least - asking.
The thing is, you go on learning how to look at things. You learn what a jerk you have been at points along the way, for not looking closely, more insightfully. You hope that this learning can inform the yet-to-be.
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